A personal meditation on the 1971 conversation between Nikki & Jimmy. Watch the full conversation between Nikki Giovanni and James Baldwin here.
As I actively unload the patterns and programs that I accepted in the past from society, friends, and (most importantly) family that no longer serve me, I find the dialogue, specifically about the Black family, during this 1971 conversation between Nikki Giovanni and James Baldwin a special and important gift for me after the week I just had. I have to light an extra candle for Baldwin today to show my appreciation for this gem. Rest in power. Light peace & progress to my angel on earth, Nikki Giovanni.
Talk about an unapologetically black conversation. And when *I* say Black, I mean Black American. I don’t mean the African descendants among different legs of our rich diaspora. I mean, selfishly, the story of the Black American born from the womb water of enslaved Africans on American soil. Our plight and situation is incomparable to anyone on this planet – including our African brothers and European cousins and Caribbean sisters and South American kinfolk. The Black American experience is unique to every experience on this planet – no hyperbole. Understanding that and exploring the Black family is integral to MY evolution.
Our parents grew up in a very different world. The patterns and ideals that protected them then, quite possibly stunt my growth in the modern day. Similarly, the patterns and the ideals I am programming now to lift me, may be outdated by the time I teach other people’s children one day or even birth my own.
Nikki: He’s [the youth] got to have respect for it, but cannot be trapped by it*.
Jimmy: Precisely. You [the parent] must both give it to him and liberate him from it.
*it = the patterns, paradigms, programs, and assumptions of our mother and father.
And that was the most challenging struggle for me last week, as right now I see myself on the youth side of this. Respecting the love from my parents and rejecting what is not meant for me was a challenging space to explore. I must respect, but I cannot live that way.
I believe to shift oppressive/controlling paradigms outside, I must shift the oppressive/controlling paradigms that are within. Simpler said than done. These patterns and assumptions and programs are unconsciously active & running many aspects of our lives. & to add fuel, the act of undoing unconscious programming is not done without walking on glass eggshells. It’s not without feeling like you are suffocating sometimes.
Jimmy: Most people really accept, without much question, the assumptions that they are given.
Nikki: yes, but it is illogical.
It is illogical. I don’t know why it’s taken me so many years to understand that. It is illogical to take assumptions of the world so blindly, and yet… it is not the simplest addiction to free yourself from. Outside approval, acceptance, advice. But, it only makes sense that the words from someone else’s lips shouldn’t hold more weight than inner dialogue with my higher self. Even the praise from friends and lovers, even the morality from righteous parents. The outside holds too much weight over the inside. And it is illogical. Again, easier said. So, go deeper. Go into the literal neural pathways in your mind. What paths and patterns and programs did you take on from elsewhere that don’t serve you? (and when I say “you,” I mean me. Selfishly again, I do not care what you do. Because your salvation does not necessarily have anything to do with my own salvation. Though I know my salvation is contagious, that is only because what I am here on earth to do. Save, heal, bring joy. That is not everyone’s duty, here on earth, so I choose to treat my growth selfishly in that regard. I must be selfish now.)
So what is the deal? What are my steps in shedding dead skin and evolving? How do I create my own power? How do I control my own reality?
Perhaps, the most logical first step is a sense of self. Perhaps, self acceptance is the foundation to self control. Choosing myself first, so I am in total control of the self… so I have total responsibility of the self. Empowering myself with complete self devotion – and returning any devotion I once had for society. After self acceptance, self control follows. I believe this to be fact. Self acceptance & understanding open the gate for self control. Self control is at the core of self power. But how can you have power without sense of self?
We must — rather — I must choose power. I choose SELF power, and reject blind acceptance, blind loyalty, blind faith. I choose to accept myself and my needs and my path for growth.
Nikki: as long as the assumptions are the same, nothing will change. So we must corner ourselves to make a new assumption.
Taking time speaking with myself in the dark, exploring the depths of my truth will be how I shift the paradigm within, and so, without. Self acceptance and self control and self power are how to break out of the paradigm that produced me but no longer serves me.
Unconsciously reacting VS consciously and rationally responding and solving.
A huge part of deprogramming and reprogramming is consciously rewiring the self, and that has been my focus this past week. There was a powerful moment of the conversation between these two intelligent writers that touches on the rational and conscious love and gentleness required in Black families that elevated this thought and idea in a way I am still digesting.
Dig it.
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Faking it. There is power in faking it. I’m still digesting this, but whether I agree or not, this is relevant.
Men can fake it with their friends, or with the oppressor, but at home, the wife can see only the darkest side of you. You are now sober and exhausted from lying to the world all day, and your wife and family now has to experience your shadow. Choose to consciously love your family. Consciously prioritize your energy.
I know the world hands the black man Hell, but that is no reason to throw Hell around your home, or in your community, or on social media, or wherever you may go when you coexist with the black woman on a intimate level. And this is not about hiding your feelings. No. Or masking away your feelings in alcohol or drugs or sex, so you end up like Future. No. Prioritize your energy so the ones who need to see your love see it. That’s all. It is a conscious act. Consciously be gentle. Consciously choose love.
Domestic abuse was cyclical in my family until my grandmother left and moved to the other side of the United States. That abuse was buried, and something in me unfortunately resurrected that pain. Perhaps it was not buried properly. Perhaps it was because self control, and self acceptance, and self power were the elements that buried the cycle – and those elements MUST be activated in order to keep that pain from rising where it lay. I’m not sure.
But being conscious in where you fake it may be a pro tip even in this sense. Maybe I fake it too much with wolves dressed as friends, supporters, and lovers. Maybe I am misdirecting that fake energy. I’m still chewing on it.
Yet and still, this was such a rich, powerful, and black ass conversation I had to add this gem to my Amazon 👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾 (I will check local bookstores, please be patient with me as I unwind from the matrix).
Nikki Giovanni has always been my fairy godmother in my head. She helped birth me as a poetry writer at a very, very young age when I first read Cotton Candy on a Rainy Day. Even now, when I see that beautiful pink and white cover I get chills. I didn’t even really understand her womanness then, but was still moved by it, trying to understand each breath of each stanza. I did understand that she was unapologetic in how she expects love or gentleness. She was fiercely proud of how she needed to be loved – gently & immediately – not forgotten, not pondered over, not waiting for – as delicate as cotton candy on a rainy day.
I am channeling that energy now. I’m the same damn way.
Peace.